In today’s post I will take you through, step by step, exactly how to confirm just how out of shape you are. It really is quite simple, anyone can do it (especially if you have two boys named Zackery and Brayden and haven’t routinely exercised in many, many, many years – literallly. I think it’s been three years since I consistently did anything!).

Step One: Go to the pool. By far this is the hardest step. Often times it takes months, or in some rare cases even years (not me, um, no), to follow through on the empty threats of “I’m going to swim laps for exercise.” Pat yourself on the back for actually getting to the pool (hopefully the pool is open and you have arrived during the correct “lap swim” times – minor detail worth paying attention to). Once at the pool, make sure you have the proper attire – in other words, a swimsuit. This can be a ratty old, stretched out, falling apart suit from years ago (not recommended), OR you can go buy a brand new sleek one-piece bathing suit from Sierra Trading Post (warning: this might cause quite a delay in achieving Step One)! Don’t forget your goggles either. Wal-Mart sells a beautiful pair of cheapo swim goggles (complete with anti-fogging, UV-blocking lenses) for under $10 – just in case you can’t find your really nice goggles at home. You know, the goggles that have been taunting you for years saying “take me swimming, please!”

Step Two: Get in the water. Yeah, easier said than done. Ideally, the water temperature is comfortable, however, in some instances you might need to prepare your body for the shock of ccccoooollllddd water. Once in the water (and this is after you have asked which lanes are for the slow swimmers and have surveyed the pool to find the lane where no one will mind if they lap you), pull your goggles down over your eyes until the suction cradles your eye sockets in such a way that you can cancel your eyebrow waxing appointment because when the goggles come off your eyebrows will be yanked out with them.

Step Three: Start swimming. If you are anything like me, you are a fairly good swimmer. You might be slow, really, really slow, but at least you know your strokes and have good technique. You could tread water for an hour if you had to, but it’s nice to know there’s a very capable life guard ready to jump in to save you if necessary. As you are deciding which stroke to begin your totally rockin’ workout with, make sure you take a few really deep breaths and stretch your arms – you don’t want to cramp up in the middle of the pool – plus it makes it look like you’ve done this before. Grab the wall with one arm, stretch out with your other arm, push off with your feet and off you go, into the great vast pool. Nothing but you and the water (and a dozen other qualified swimmers who clearly swim regularly and hopefully won’t think anything of you except “good for her for trying.”).

Step Four: Change your stroke. By now you should have finished – no, not a lap, not even a half lap – about four or five complete “sets” of arm, arm, arm, breathe, arm, arm, arm, breathe. You have even shortened the set (yes, in the middle of the lane in the middle of the pool) to breathe on every stroke, instead of every other one as you are usually accostomed to during your recreational swimming. You have looked down at the bottom of the pool, through your surprisingly clear, actually un-fogged goggles, seeing ten feet of water below and a black line underneath you leading the way to the wall at the other end of the pool fifty meters away. Now is the time when, for no apparent reason, you can’t catch your breath. It might be caused by a teensy bit of anxiety over being in the “open water” or it might be a combination of things, including being just a teensy bit out of shape. Yep, probably now is the time when you tell yourself, “What were you thinking? Swimming laps in an Olympic-sized pool your first day back of exercise after three years?” Yes, what were you thinking? There’s no time to answer that, there really is no time to do any thinking. Instead of continuing on with your modified front crawl stroke, now is the time to change your stroke (for the rest of your pool time – at least for today). Try the side stroke or the breast stroke or the back stroke – anything so that you don’t have to put your head in the water and hold your breath (because by now you have realized that is just pure torture).

Step Five: Concede and keep swimming. You got this far, you got to the pool, you got in the water, you swam a lap – even if you did have to change your stroke part way through. You’re back at the wall trying to catch your breath (and hopefully back at the shallow end where you can touch the bottom and stand up). You have realized just how completely out of shape you are. But so what. Accept it. Everyone has to start (again) somewhere. Change your plan, toss aside all expectations of what you thought you would be able to accomplish in the pool today, and go swim another lap. Swim slow, rest when you have to, and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. You’re not bothering them and they aren’t bothering you. Be proud of yourself. Hey, at least you did something. Day One: Complete! Maybe by the end of the summer you will be able to swim the length of the pool with your rhythmic breathing front crawl. It’s a goal worth trying for.

Out of shape or not, I laughed at myself today. Yes, I was nervous when I got to the pool because I honestly have never swam laps for exercise. It’s always been a vision of mine to do so, but to finally follow through on my plan was a little scary – although I was proud of myself for doing it. It reallly was ridiculous how out of shape I felt; I never remembered swimming taking that much out of me. Next week I will swim with lowered expectations, no self-judgement, and maybe a kickboard too!

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