Today I declared my faith to the world, to my church, to my friends and family, and most importantly, to God Himself. Today, I was baptized as a Christian, a believer in Jesus Christ; that He died on the cross for me. Today, is a miraculous, glorious day.

I know this blog is “Stories of A Mom.” I know it began as a place for me to journal about my Postpartum Depression, and then to share the experiences of Motherhood. The thing is, the story of THIS Mom happens to include one of finding Christ.

If you read my post a while back, you would have learned that I haven’t always known God and Jesus Christ. I didn’t always believe and I didn’t always know this was the path that I would be going down. I don’t believe anyone can ever truly know their journey in life until they’re on it. And life IS a journey!

Last night I got out my journal and began to write to God. I don’t do it often enough (honestly, I find it easier and quicker just to pray silently in my head – I’m not perfect, I’m human). I know I should not feel like it “takes too long” or that there’s something else I want to get to after my journaling so “make it quick.” I know in my heart I could never spend too much time being with God, and so last night I opened myself up to Him and shared my thoughts.

A part of me felt like it was the night before my wedding, and I guess in a way, the commitment is similar. I was preparing to be fully committed to and outwardly declaring my faith in God. It’s a BIG deal. I was nervous, I was excited, I didn’t know if I was going to be able to sleep!

This morning, of course as luck (or something else) would have it, both our boys were sick and my wonderful, amazing husband Will stayed home with them while I went to church to get baptized. We were supposed to do this together. Our kids were supposed to be there to witness us, their parents. We were supposed to be together as a whole family. Instead, I got in my car and drove quietly, alone. I had tears in my eyes…

As I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that maybe this was how it was supposed to be. It wasn’t about my family, it wasn’t about Will watching me (or me watching him – as we were both to be baptized – and he did, at a later service while I stayed home to watch the boys), it wasn’t even about me. It was only about God, and He was the only one who needed to be there with me, to witness this huge step in my life. It was God’s thing, not mine. That gave me comfort, but I still felt alone, and I still had tears in my eyes…

As I waited in the church foyer for my friend, Stacey, and her family (who were there to support me and be with me), so many people came up to me. It was as if God spoke to them and said “Pamela needs a little love, go to her.” I let the first tear secretly fall, and then I felt better. It felt good to let out everything I was feeling. Excitement, nerves, fear, the loneliness and sadness of not having Will there coupled with the extreme love I felt of everyone who surrounded me, and then ultimately the pure surrender I felt to God Himself.

We worshipped with beautiful music, Pastor Dan gave his usual heartfelt sermon and then it was time. I know this happened for a reason – I was first in line to be baptized. Did I mention I was nervous? I climbed into the water, encircled by people there to witness me, led by God. I accepted Christ, I got dunked, I emerged, I smiled, I climbed out, I hugged… and I cried.

There are so many more feelings emerging out of me. Deep feelings and thoughts – all of gratitude and blessings – that I will just have to save for another day (or maybe for my journal tonight, to you, God – I know you’re watching and listening).

I know that you, dear reader, may not have the same beliefs as me, and by no means is there any judgment upon you – that’s not my place. I also know that if you are still reading this, perhaps maybe you too are on a journey with Christ – isn’t it awesome?!

Motherhood is a journey all in itself. Postpartum Depression adds another layer of complexity and hardship to that. Knowing God makes it all worthwhile, ten-fold, to infinity and beyond, to the moon and back.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable and open with YOU, sharing my heart and who I truly am (at least today, because only God knows who I will become tomorrow…).

With Love and Mommy Hugs,
Pamela