In part 1, I talked about what PPD looks like to friends, family, even doctors of the 1 in 5 new mothers who are diagnosed. Today, we will talk about what it looks like to women who are experiencing it.
I had no idea that I had Postpartum Depression. In fact, I was certain that it wouldn’t happen to me. I was going to be a perfect mother to my two boys, whatever it took.
The problem is that it seemed to take much more than I had to give. I had trouble making decisions – what if I chose the wrong thing? It was difficult for me to do even the simple things, like changing my son’s diaper. What if I hurt him, or made a mess? I couldn’t even manage to get myself dressed every day, or feed myself adequately. My anxiety was so overwhelming that I felt like I was living in a fog, the days melting together while I just laid on the couch, unable to find my way to that image of perfect motherhood I had always imagined for myself.
And yet, through it all, I would have told you that I was just tired. That’s really what I thought. It seemed that, if I could just rest a little longer, things would get better.
It wasn’t until I started thinking about hurting my boys that I realized something was really wrong. Dark thoughts started entering my head, seemingly out of nowhere: what would happen if I drove the car off a cliff? What if I held my baby’s hand to the stove? What would happen?
Of course these thoughts made me deeply afraid. What kind of mother was I, to think things like that? I couldn’t tell anyone. I would go to jail – they would take my children away. I would never see my family again.
Now, I know that those thoughts are actually common among women with postpartum anxiety, and that only a miniscule fraction of mothers – those suffering from postpartum psychosis, which is extremely rare – ever act on such feelings. But at that time, I had no idea. I felt scared and alone, angry with myself, and incredibly guilty. It felt like everything was my fault.
This is only my story. PPD expresses itself differently for every mother. For you or the woman near you who is suffering, it might be sleepless nights and groggy days, or uncontrollable mood swings, or a wide range of feelings. For more about how it feels, please read the comprehensive Symptoms of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (in Plain Mama English) from Postpartum Progress.
Despite all its variations, nearly every case of PPD has these things in common:
- It begins or persists more than six weeks after childbirth
- It interferes with your ability to care for your child and perform other tasks
If this sounds all too familiar to you, I urge you to talk to your doctor right away. If you need any support, or just a shoulder to get you through this, I hope you will get in touch with me, too. I know where you are, and more importantly – I know it will get better.